Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
