I think my fart just growled at me.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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