Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
