I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
