No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
