The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
