Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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