glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
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So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
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I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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