just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
