I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
