seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
