i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
