Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
