Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
