I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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