I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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