We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
