So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
