Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
