I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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