Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
