I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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