I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
