i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
