I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
