In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
