Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
