i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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