You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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