ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
