foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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