She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
i need some magic done to my vagina
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
