Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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