we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
