Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
