dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
