wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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