I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
