Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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