woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
