Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
