the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
