i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
