my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
