I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Green mimosas i think yes
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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