I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
