Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
