Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
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she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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