i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
