It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
