My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
