I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
