Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I have vodka in my lungs
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
