I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
