Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
