I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
