I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i now understand why vodka
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
