she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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