Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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