y did u give ur computer a hand job?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
