I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
