god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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