i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
