the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
