You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
