More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
