Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
